I am never sad on a Saturday. Ever. I’m so happy to be free. I have few obligations and none are work related at that. We are in “show mode” where our life revolves around BLT and when we aren’t there we are trying to keep the house half decent in case the house alarm goes off again and the cops show up and want to look around. It is at that point where you suddenly realize you’re 4 weeks out and the to-do list is way, way, way too long. Expect future blogs to be rarer & short. I’m sitting at Nissan dealership waiting on the oil change that is overdue on my new car and I brought my Netbook.
Speaking of, the Netbook has quickly became a BFF. This tiny thing is perfect for what I do: blog, browse Facebook, and play Farmville. I can take it to the theatre and make notes if I want or look up topics for the show. NOT recommended for people who download anything. Also, no CD drive and I cannot figure out how to get Microsoft Word on here even though I’m certain I got more than 1 license when I bought the edition that’s on my desktop computer.
Cowboys v. Eagles game tonight from my couch with my favorite things: greatest boyfriend ever, two silly dogs, 1 cozy blanket. Order pizza and I might die of bliss whether the ‘Boys win or not.
Sorry this couldn’t be a deep thinking blog or thought provoking but you’ll have that.
Today’s blog is about fears. I guess this will be the first of 12 steps to confronting mine. LOL.
My biggest fear I guess is losing my Mom. Everytime there’s another hospital stay & I’m not there I’m scared the worst will happen. And when it comes to my mother, you can tell me all day everyday that all things must end, we all have to go someday, people go at their own time, blah blah whatever else should make death expected and yet I cannot allow myself to think of this earth without my mother. Somehow in my mind mothers are immortal. Reason #4587 I don’t want kids, fyi. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could say or do that would ease this fear. Only time will help. It’s definitely my #1 fear.
#2 fear is losing Keith. This is a completely different kind of loss mind you. This is a loss of trust, or love, or fidelity not a loss of life kind of fear. Is it rational? Somewhat. I think it’s a 30/70 rational:irrational ratio. [does the fact that I tried to make feelings a mathematical figure escape anyone else?] He’s not given me basis to believe this will happen yet a couple girls thought they could send him inappropriate texts. He of course did not respond to these advances that I know of but it still makes me wonder WTF. Yes, simply, WTF. [Modern Family viewers: Why the face].
When it comes to fear #2 I can at least say I’ve thought about life without him if the really good relationship we have should fall apart. I have been down that road, the street is named after me. It isn’t something I miss or would want to go back to, but it certainly is a possibility [the odds are stacked against lovers in all of history] and I would just pick up the pieces best I know how. Does going over the possible outcomes help me adjust to my fear? No, it probably just plays into it actually. Gives it unfounded credibility. Yet, this seems to be a 100% rational life plan. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I worry a lot about fears 1 & 2 and I’d like to let that go somehow so anyone with ideas please comment.
The time has come for auditions for the show Keith & I are directing, “Having a Wonderful Time, Wish You Were Her.” I’m excited and nervous and already stressing myself out. Typical days in other words. There are supposed to be a whole bunch of people show up which would be a)great for casting purposes and b)sorta a compliment that so many people would want to work with us. So if anyone is interested it will be going on at Biloxi Little Theatre Sunday & Monday nights at 7pm.
Christmas shopping almost done. I think. I’ve become this disorganized person who will forget anything. God, I hope no one takes it personal if I forget them. Well…how do you not take that personal?? LOL There is just always stuff going on—so much stuff—and my job pays very well and wears on me more than I think I can express. And yes, it is worth it most days.
Well, I’m trying to get back into the blog thing but I’m addicted to Farmville in Facebook and I love playing with my animals and such. I have a few ideas for some plays or something I’d like to write. If you’re on Facebook check out the note I wrote about my dream. That’s a springboard.
I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. It is upon us and only comes once a year. Besides, we really never know when our last day here will be so soak it up!!!!!
Lots of memories associated with this song, mostly not good. But, still serves as a reminder to me who I never want to become. I never want the ones I love to hear this song and think of me and wish I was different and that our story hadn’t ended a certain way. Everything happens for a reason and I’m thankful to God for letting everything unravel so I could have the joy of picking it all up and putting together something down right awesome & finding Mr. Right! 
Here we are
What is left of a husband and a wife four good kids
Who have a way of gettin on with their lives
I’m not old but I’m getting a whole lot older every day
It’s too late to keep from goin’ crazy
I got to get away
The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time
Our boys are strong the spittin image of you when you were young
I hope someday they can see past what you have become
And I remember every time I said I’d never leave
But what I can’t live with is memories of the way you used to be
The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be angry all the time
Twenty years have came and went since I walked out of your door
I never quite made it back to the one I was before
And God it hurts me to think of you
For the light in your eyes was gone
Sometimes I don’t know why this old world can’t leave well enough alone
The reasons that I can’t stay don’t have a thing to do with being in love
And I understand that lovin a man shouldn’t have to be this rough
You ain’t the only one Who feels like this world left you far behind
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
I don’t know why you gotta be Angry All The Time
Well, I’m trying out Windows Live Writer for my blog now. Please let me know if you see anything out of wack.
We just got in from the hockey game. MS SURGE It was a great game (we won which of course helped the greatness a lot). Tomorrow is Shed BBQ & Saints game. I also have a line-up of great Sunday shows I watch post-game: Extreme Makeover, Brothers & Sisters. I’m looking forward to a lazy day.
Thanksgiving is less than a week away. I can’t believe it. I’m going to my friend DeAnn’s house. Huge thanks to the Ladner’s for always making us feel welcome!! I’ll be making Aunt Linda’s chilis & corn dish. It’s spicy and awesome. Oh, and did I mention easy??!!
Auditions for our play, Having a Wonderful Time Wish You Were Here, coming up right around the corner. I will probably spend some time working on prop & set lists tomorrow as well. Audtion Info Here!
I’m off to Farmville then nighty nite.
I promised myself I’d blog more when I got the netbook. Now, all I do is play Farmville on Facebook. Speaking of, I’m addicted to Facebook. Especially Farmville. I was very hesitant to get on the FB bandwagon but now that I’m on I’m just as happy as can be. I found so many old high school friends! And, get this, Brant Plyler remembered my parents phone #. I remember one 892-1524 so I guess it isn’t all that weird…
I’ve been video chatting with my dear lil Pyxie & it is so very AWESOME. She is the cutest thing ever. She squeals when she sees the dogs in the frame. I can also take snapshots of her. It’s like I’ve seen Austin & Jymie’s place even though I haven’t. Maybe Austin will hook me up & video me in for Christmas or Thanksgiving.
Well, I need to go work on our audition form & other docs for Having a Wonderful Time, Wish You Were Her brought to you by ALKG Creative Inc.
Ok, politics are a usual no-no but I can’t help but express opinions on Health Care Reform. First thing that pops in my head when I hear all the anti-health care tv ads that claim, “this is a bill America can’t afford,” “do you want the government to make all the decisions for you” and so on is this: 1. There is no reason the richest country in the Western hemisphere cannot help its own citizens stay healthy and 2. Health care is already out of our hands–why not expand the participant level to include everyone.
The first thing I say to opponents is that is doesn’t matter how it comes, what the price, you owe it to those less fortunate to keep fellow Americans healthy. There is nothing more basic than seeing a doctor. I cannot in good conscious walk down the street and tell my neighbors, the homeless people downtown, and the elderly why I deserve access to a doctor and they do not. I cannot tell them why I should get treatment for cancer and they should not. I cannot look into any other human being’s eyes and tell them I will not pay my 15 cents for their health. In my opinion [which is worth nothing LOL], it only helps our country to make everyone healthy. Shame on our leaders for not coming together to make it happen. And shame on us for voting for people who will not come together to bring benefits to all Americans.
And yay for me & my soap box and high morals….but friends, sadly, my main reason to back the reform is that HEALTHCARE IS ALREADY OUT OF OUR HANDS. NO ONE has choices except the very rich. And the very rich want to save a penny so they visit only the doctors their insurance pays for. We do not have freedom of any kind as it stands right now. I’ve been in several situations the last decade: insured under the largest insurance company in TX, I worked for the company a couple years later, I have had military health care for active duty members, and I have been uninsured many times. During all of this, I never had the pleasure of walking to a dr’s office and having no fear about the bill. Fact is, I had to pick the dr my insurance company wanted me too. I had to pay out of pocket every visit. Under the military system, my pocketbook was safe [WE STILL PAID PREMIUMS!] but I had absolutely no list of providers to choose from–you just walk in and take what you get. The price of the cheapest system I’ve been under was high…
My point is, you’re already governed by entities that tell you where to go, when to go, why to go and people really think the government could screw you around more??? LOL, I seriously doubt it. I already have a list of doctors I can see and I have to ask around about them. I love it when people say, “Oh you should see Dr. So&So because she is soooo good.” Ok great, but she isn’t a Purple Cross Purple Shield provider and I would have to pay literally ten times more to see her. That’s not freedom & it doesn’t get any more dictated than that, again, in my opinion.
Well, that is clearly enough on political issues. I just had to share my laughs & frustrations at the opponents who propagate lies about what we have now & why any new system would be worse. No it wouldn’t! What, the new system would tell me to see nurses instead of doctors??? OH, you mean like how that big insurance company I have now will give me a discount if I see a nurse practitioner instead? So you mean, we’d have to choose price or quality of care?? Um, yeah, I do that everyday.
So, here it is: a blog. Something I damn near forgot how to do. Writing is my release, as everyone knows, so maybe that’s why I have some tension. I’m thinking of getting a netbook which would mean I can sit my happy butt on the couch at night and blog for about $200. Seems like a no-brainer but I’m (surprisingly) reluctant. Cell South has only Dell netbooks. I despise Dell after 2 failures. That $2,000 went absolutely no where. Of course, that’s the great thing: $200 vs $2,000. All I do is word processing, internet, and oh yeah, internet. My roomy is on our computer more than she used to be so I can’t just pop in here at night. I don’t wake up early anymore since Keith is here. And, frankly, when we’re home together Keith & I like to chill together. We don’t have the weekends together since he usually works Saturdays so just Sunday is our day.
Anyway, back to the tension. Work has been extremely bad. Worse than usual, which is bad enough. And oddly, today I went shopping and did not enjoy it. That is almost enough to make me want to get a thermometer and check for signs of illness. I LOVE shopping more than anything in the world. My house is a mess though and yet here I sit avoiding cleaning but I felt guilty about shopping when I should be home cleaning……..weird.
I have been drinking aloe vera. Yes, Aloe Vera! To me, it tastes just like water. In addition, I have stopped eating fast food. I feel like I’m losing some weight, although I went to the dr this week and the scales claimed to have been the highest ever. Maybe it’s toning. Or, maybe I was more and now I am less and I didn’t know how much I weighed hehehe. I’ve added more veg & fruits too. I do not have anything off limits, but I try and eat less bad & more good. Keep your fingers crossed.
And now I’m off to eat my really bad for you instant noodles!
I have swine flu and I’m in a flat out crappy mood. Our house is always dirty, I never have money, I miss my family tremendously [although none of them would come around with me having swine flu anyway], my neighbors hate me [I know because they sent an anonymous letter in the mail to us about maintaining our property], the show isn’t where it should be, yada yada yada. Nothing is going right. GRRRRRR
Ok, maybe that got it out of my system. On this last episode of Cougartown the paper buddy guy kept running out of his house and screaming. I feel like that. I think it started this morning when I saw 3 little wienie dogs without collars walking down the street I was driving on. I should have stopped. I should have helped the little things get somewhere cool and safe. I feel bad for not doing it and now I’m just angry at myself first & foremost. Add everything else to it and well, I can’t help but fall prey to a bad mood. 
I do have a ton of Oprah’s and Dr. Oz shows on the DVR and I heard the microwave ding saying my Chow Mein noodles are done [god, those are the best 74 cent meal on the planet!] so all is not lost. My puppies will make me feel better so I’m going to curl up with Sammy, Chloe, Oprah, Dr Oz, and Mr. Chow for the day.
Nothing goes right in September. September is the month of the devil. I’m screaming at myself to quit crying at my desk. I have on make-up because of a meeting with some attorneys this morning and I’ll end up looking like shit. I knew this week was extraordinarily shitty but then I realized exactly why–9/22 was the anniversary of Kim’s death. 13 years. She would have been 30 in August. Add to that, my marriage fell apart in September–as did the place where I live–and well, I think it is just going to always be a shitty month. Unusually cynical of me, but nothing’s happened to change that. In fact, things just keep happening to make the pile of poo bigger!Anyway I’m at work and I will try to dig into that with all I am to forget the rest.