Thanks, Ginny. You always make me feel better. I can’t wait to live closer to you!!!!
As for what’s new, not a lot. I have a night off from rehearsal and I SOOOOOO needed it! I love theatre but it is like having a second job. My first job about killed me today so I was certainly not up for more abuse. I literally have been going from work to rehearsal and not getting home til after 10pm. It just makes for a long day.
I’m reminding myself what I’ve read so far in my therapist-recommended reading and it’s very helpful. I start to react to things and I stop and ask myself, “Is this really about me? Is this someone else’s business? Am I really emotionally attached?” I go from there. It helps.
Oh, gotta run.
Yeah, what Ginny said. Must not think, must do.
Also, I got a new therapist. The one I said from 05-08 left her practice. She was absolutely incredible. I think I mentioned once that leaving her office I felt higher & more optimistic than any drug could have ever made me. After visits to a couple of quacks, I was recommended to Vivian by my Dr and also by my massage therapist. [Man, I see a lot of therapists!]
Vivian is quite friendly. She was perceptive and sympathetic. She did exactly what I needed her to do, pinpoint some things that completely escaped me. She is heightening my self awareness. I guess not everyone believes in therapy but gawd, I think everyone needs a therapist. I believe people should be changing. If you are the same person you were in high school, you’re not growing up. If you do not constantly evolve then really I think you’re wasting time and space. Maybe that’s why the people closest to me are ones who continue to learn new things, try new things, and are open minded. I keep those people close to me because they are supportive and pretty fearless.
Anyway, this Vivian lady zapped in on one key thing–codependency. It’s not a term I’d never heard before, sadly. I am not going to drown this blog in my childhood and its flaws, but I will say that from a very young age I was constantly gauging the mood of the people around me and reacting to that. I still seek approval from everyone. The people pleaser. I can’t tolerate when someone else is mad or upset in some other way. It isn’t every now & then, it’s all the time. It really does get in my way. It has probably off & on several times in my life. The last therapist and I touched on the ways it affects me and making small changes to peoples boundaries with me and saying NO.
I am reading some book Vivian recommended and it is like an autobiography lol. It’s small changes that I need to learn to make and I’m hopeful I will and be happier and more decisive. Key point: I can only control me, I can only control my actions and emotions, and I can only change me. I’m very positive and just since 1 visit I feel better about myself.
Well it’s been so long I’m out of practice on the whole blogging thing. And now I can do it on my iPhone so prepare yourself for bad grammar and lots of misspellings.
We just wrapped performance #4 of the show at Biloxi Little Theatre. I have been enjoying the young guns. Oh to be 16 again. Well, naw wouldn’t really want that. However youth meant energy and I’m all out of that stuff lately. Could be my health, could be age. Blood tests recently showed I was way out of wack in a couple of areas. I’m trying diet and exercise for 3 months. If nothing changes then medication.
I am so damn tired of medication. I have medication for everything: to not get depressed or overly anxious, to sleep, to breathe better…it’s already too much. Good news is that cutting soft drinks and watching my diet has trimmed 15 pounds off since May 1st. Not too shabby.
I guess the while point of this blog is to clear my head and it is so full of stuff right now that I could write all day. Since I’m about to go to my biweekly massage that won’t happen. However I can try to get a few cobwebs out before it’s my turn on the magical table of relaxation.
(days later…)
Lots of decisions on my mind. I want to move to Austin. I am pondering do I want to spawn before it’s too late. I want to write a play or possibly a screenplay before I die. I miss Mom, Dad, Austin, Jymie, Pyxie, Aunt Susie, and many others.
Testing the blogging capability of the incredible and delightful iPhone 4!!
Determination: decision; a position or opinion or judgment reached after consideration.
I joined the gym and I’ve been 2 days in a row. I started a journal to mark my progress and I’m giving myself 1 year to lose 30 lbs. I have 4 goals:
1. Feel better
2. Get stronger
3. Lose weight
4. Feel better about myself.
Right now, I’m only comfortable on the treadmill. Maybe early on Saturday & Sunday mornings I can try using other machines so I’m not embarrassed in front of a whole slew of people. It was extremely affordable and I get unlimited tanning, which I may try [I see a picture of a horrible burn in my future].
It’s Saturday night & we’re at home and it’s POURING down rain outside. Sammy Davis Jr is asleep next to my leg and Keith’s watching Dana Carvey’s special on Comedy Central. Pretty funny stuff. I FINALLY GOT SOME SLEEP LAST NIGHT. For much of the week sleep eluded me like a winning lottery ticket. It was miserable. Took 2 Ambien a few nights. Maybe if I didn’t <3 my sleep so much this wouldn’t really bother me but I am a sleep fiend. It’s a hobby, ok. When I am hungry or tired my brain reverts to that of a 2 year old and people think I’m a bitch. I’m not…I’m 2. So anyway, last night was uninterrupted and blissful filled with dreams including Oprah, puppies, an old black man who was my dad! and owned a clothing store in which lived puppies, and then Keith appeared. If that ain’t a perfect night I demand someone tell me what is!!!!!
I even snuck in a nap this afternoon! I felt pretty unproductive until I realized I’d booked our trip to Texas, battled the people of Walmart, went to the bank, got our picture from Vegas in a frame (that only took a year!), and did some loads of laundry. You know what? Considering I had only planned to wipe Oprah’s off my DVR today, that’s pretty good. 
Well, other than blabbering, the only monumental thing going on is that I decided to stop taking the Wellbutrin & Lexapro. I think they’re too much drugs for my body. I have my inner balance pretty stable minus some mild anxiety. I say mild because until you’ve had a panic attack you really don’t know anxiety. I’ll be back at the dr soon and I’ll be asking for a different, much milder drug. Right now, the effects are very strong and I think the whole point of being on a maintenance drug is that you shouldn’t feel anything but normal. That’s how it’s been the last 13 years anyway. So, very excited about side effects easing off.
We were thinking of visiting the New Orleans zoo tomorrow but the rain is making that option difficult. Maybe I can attack the computer room and file my bills for the last 2 years LMAO.
I wonder if I still have readers. I’ve been absent a while and I am not sure what’s happened to me but writing intimidates me nowadays. It has been my outlet for as long as I remember and it is VERY odd that I’ve refrained. Maybe because I always write about how I feel and I’ve been avoiding a lot of my feelings? I dunno, just guessing. Anyway, I’m going to try to post more often.
Our show at BLT was pretty successful. It was a wonderful and stressful experience. ALKG Creative Services worked together as a team, I think, and it didn’t tear a hole in our relationship. Can’t say that anyone I’ve ever been with before would have come on the other side of something that stressful with me. We’re taking a much needed break from theatre right now. Work is endlessly stressful. Speaking of, I’ve recently had an epiphany.
I’ve realized now a couple of cliches are ringing true: you can’t buy love & everyone has a price. First, I have spent—literally—tens of thousands of dollars the last 5 years trying to find happiness. I was/am a shopaholic. I bury emotion with credit cards and diving into something I’ll never finish. I have bought into a notion that change starts on the outside. I cannot even BEGIN to list the stuff I’ve bought in an attempt to prove I’ve reached a status or affirm something to myself. However, now I intrigue even myself…what have I bought that I didn’t need the last 5 years. Let’s go: $2k furniture, a good $15K in clothes, 3 cars, computers, books I never read, shoes I’ve never wore, purses I never carried….in fact, I would estimate $500/month is what I spend shopping for things I do not require.
I have no idea what happened to open my eyes but I recently realized that change is not going to be jump started or fueled by a purchase. All the shopping is a diversion to what I don’t face in the mirror. Oh! MJ’s “Man in the Mirror” just came into my head. So, wrapping this up, I’m going to spend less. And, the man has maxed me out. I do so much I’m starting to run myself flat out. You may say, “You could do anything you want to me for $X [money]” Well, my price has been hit. It’s the opposite of rock bottom, whatever that is. I never want to have to work any harder to make this same salary. If a raise means taking on something else, keep it cause I can’t do it.
Anyway, that’s what’s up with Apryl.
I am never sad on a Saturday. Ever. I’m so happy to be free. I have few obligations and none are work related at that. We are in “show mode” where our life revolves around BLT and when we aren’t there we are trying to keep the house half decent in case the house alarm goes off again and the cops show up and want to look around. It is at that point where you suddenly realize you’re 4 weeks out and the to-do list is way, way, way too long. Expect future blogs to be rarer & short. I’m sitting at Nissan dealership waiting on the oil change that is overdue on my new car and I brought my Netbook.
Speaking of, the Netbook has quickly became a BFF. This tiny thing is perfect for what I do: blog, browse Facebook, and play Farmville. I can take it to the theatre and make notes if I want or look up topics for the show. NOT recommended for people who download anything. Also, no CD drive and I cannot figure out how to get Microsoft Word on here even though I’m certain I got more than 1 license when I bought the edition that’s on my desktop computer.
Cowboys v. Eagles game tonight from my couch with my favorite things: greatest boyfriend ever, two silly dogs, 1 cozy blanket. Order pizza and I might die of bliss whether the ‘Boys win or not.
Sorry this couldn’t be a deep thinking blog or thought provoking but you’ll have that.
Today’s blog is about fears. I guess this will be the first of 12 steps to confronting mine. LOL.
My biggest fear I guess is losing my Mom. Everytime there’s another hospital stay & I’m not there I’m scared the worst will happen. And when it comes to my mother, you can tell me all day everyday that all things must end, we all have to go someday, people go at their own time, blah blah whatever else should make death expected and yet I cannot allow myself to think of this earth without my mother. Somehow in my mind mothers are immortal. Reason #4587 I don’t want kids, fyi. I don’t think there’s anything anyone could say or do that would ease this fear. Only time will help. It’s definitely my #1 fear.
#2 fear is losing Keith. This is a completely different kind of loss mind you. This is a loss of trust, or love, or fidelity not a loss of life kind of fear. Is it rational? Somewhat. I think it’s a 30/70 rational:irrational ratio. [does the fact that I tried to make feelings a mathematical figure escape anyone else?] He’s not given me basis to believe this will happen yet a couple girls thought they could send him inappropriate texts. He of course did not respond to these advances that I know of but it still makes me wonder WTF. Yes, simply, WTF. [Modern Family viewers: Why the face].
When it comes to fear #2 I can at least say I’ve thought about life without him if the really good relationship we have should fall apart. I have been down that road, the street is named after me. It isn’t something I miss or would want to go back to, but it certainly is a possibility [the odds are stacked against lovers in all of history] and I would just pick up the pieces best I know how. Does going over the possible outcomes help me adjust to my fear? No, it probably just plays into it actually. Gives it unfounded credibility. Yet, this seems to be a 100% rational life plan. Hmmmm.
Anyway, I worry a lot about fears 1 & 2 and I’d like to let that go somehow so anyone with ideas please comment.
The time has come for auditions for the show Keith & I are directing, “Having a Wonderful Time, Wish You Were Her.” I’m excited and nervous and already stressing myself out. Typical days in other words. There are supposed to be a whole bunch of people show up which would be a)great for casting purposes and b)sorta a compliment that so many people would want to work with us. So if anyone is interested it will be going on at Biloxi Little Theatre Sunday & Monday nights at 7pm.
Christmas shopping almost done. I think. I’ve become this disorganized person who will forget anything. God, I hope no one takes it personal if I forget them. Well…how do you not take that personal?? LOL There is just always stuff going on—so much stuff—and my job pays very well and wears on me more than I think I can express. And yes, it is worth it most days.
Well, I’m trying to get back into the blog thing but I’m addicted to Farmville in Facebook and I love playing with my animals and such. I have a few ideas for some plays or something I’d like to write. If you’re on Facebook check out the note I wrote about my dream. That’s a springboard.
I hope everyone is enjoying the holiday season. It is upon us and only comes once a year. Besides, we really never know when our last day here will be so soak it up!!!!!